Tell us a joke

[I. R. Fincham]

Re: Tell us a joke

Paddy and Mick went to Canada looking for jobs. They saw a sign:

Tree fellers wanted.


So they became lumberjacks.

[Twocky61]

Re: Tell us a joke

What do you call Pinocchio when he lies in bed?

I am not sure, but let's hope that he doesn't share the bed with anyone else...

Pinocchio & the Princess?

There's a joke there but as it's rude....................

[Twocky61]

Re: Tell us a joke

Lucky Arthur who was the local odd job man in the village, who was sarcastically named "Lucky" because he was always having accidents & injuring himself

One day he approached the local timber merchant to see if he would give him any work. The merchant replied that the only work he could offer was in the saw mill

Arthur pleaded to be given a job saying that he was much more alert & careful these days & hadn't been involved in any accidents for quite some while. Reluctantly the boss agreed & Arthur started right away feeding timber into the giant saw blades

Poor Arthur hadn't been on his own for longer than a couple of minutes when he stumbled forward & the giant blades cut off all his fingers & thumbs on both hands

In a state of shock poor Lucky ran back & forth around the mill like a headless chicken before running overland to the local hospital. When he arrived there he promptly fainted

Coming round a few hours later Lucky looked up & there was Mr Foster, the hospital surgeon,

"I would have brought them with me" cried Lucky "but..... but.... I couldn't pick them up"

lol

[Twocky61]

Re: Tell us a joke

A rabbit is waking through the jungle and wants a poo so he goes behind a bush and starts to dump

Then a gorilla goes behind the same bush and asks:

"Do you mind if I join you? I'm dying for a poo myself"

"No, of course not" replied the rabbit politely. So the gorilla squats down next to the rabbit and starts to poo

The gorilla finishes first and he looks around for something to wipe his bum with, but he can't see any grass, moss, leaves or nothing

He gets really pee'd off and moans to the rabbit:

"I hate it when this happens. Poo always sticks to my fur. Does poo stick to your fur rabbit?"

The rabbit replies

"No"

So the gorilla wiped his bum with the rabbit"

[Homewood]

Re: Tell us a joke

A man walks into a pet store and asks for something a bit different.

"We have just the thing for you", says the assistant, producing a small box. "Inside this is a talking centipede".

"A centipede that talks? That's the sort of thing I've been looking for" says the customer.

He takes the centipede home but it says nothing. After a few hours the man says "I think I'll go for a pint. Do you want to come with me?"

No response

Another hour passes. He asks the centipede the same question again. Still no response.

"Talking centipede? What a joke that is! You've said nothing all night. I've asked you twice if you wanted to go down the pub and you never answered. Now it's nearly closing time..."

"Enough!", said the centipede. "I heard you the first time, okay?. I've been putting my shoes on!"

[George 1978]

Re: Tell us a joke

What do you call someone who steals from FIFA?

A Fife.


What is a chicken's favourite supermarket?

The Coop.


Did you hear about the man who went to Worksop and stole some jelly babies?

He broke the Bassett Law.

[Twocky61]

Re: Tell us a joke

A man goes into a bar with a flamingo on his shoulder & a cat under his arm & orders a pint of Guinness for himself, a gin & tonic for the flamingo & a whiskey for the cat.

When the barman asks for the money he hears the cat say to the man

"Your round matey" so the man pays

Another round of drinks are ordered a short while later & when he asks for the money, the barman hears the cat say

"Your shout flamingo" so the flamingo pays

Another round of drinks are soon ordered & when the barman asks for the money he hears the cat say

"I'm a bit brassic at the moment, if you pay for this one I'll owe you one & make it up to you later" so the man pays

Anyway, the visit to the pub turns into a really heavy drinking session & the number of rounds ordered is soon in double figures but the cat still hasn't paid for a round having come out with excuses such as "

I'll see you alright later on" to "I can't afford a round" to "I've forgotten my wallet"

The landlord has watched the proceedings all night with great

[Twocky61]

Re: Tell us a joke

+++missing text previous post+++

[Twocky61]

Re: Tell us a joke

It's 1955. Harold rings the bell at Peggy Sue's house

Peggy Sue's mother answers the door

"I've come to pick up Peggy Sue to take her to the dance"

Mum invites him in & tells him Peggy Sue is upstairs getting ready to go out

While Mum & Harrold were sat in the lounge, drinking tea, whilst waiting for Peggy Sue to get ready, Mum tells Harrold, Peggy Sue just loves to dance; especially the Screw

"Yes" says Mum. "Peggy Sue loves to screw; she could do it all day long"

Harrold smiles to himself & thinks he's got it made

Peggy Sue eventually comes down stairs all dolled up, wearing her hair in a Bee Hive style

So off Harry & Peggy Sue go to the dance

Half an hour later, Peggy Sue returns alone, all dishevelled

"It's Twist Mum; Twist"

lol

[George 1978]

Re: Tell us a joke

Typical 1994 joke:

Did you hear about the vampire who went into his local Labour club?

He asked for a pint of John Smith's.


Typical 1997 joke:

What had John Major and Nottingham Forest got in common?

They were neighbours of Kenneth Clarke who were out of the Premiership.


I'll get me coat (but I had not brought one due to the hot weather...)

[George 1978]

Re: Tell us a joke

Pinocchio & the Princess?

There's a joke there but as it's rude....................

His nose gets bigger when he "lies" and so...

[George 1978]

Re: Tell us a joke

Last night I dreamt I was milking a cow.

When I woke up I had to put the sheets in the washing machine.

[George 1978]

Re: Tell us a joke

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it kept walking round in circles.

[George 1978]

Re: Tell us a joke

What's the difference between Arsenal and Manchester United?

There's no such thing as a Manchester United of weapons.


(Well, I thought it was a good one).

[tex]

Re: Tell us a joke

A farmer, two cows and a bull stood in a field, suddenly the ground starts shaking and the cows both fall over but the bull just gives a little wobble, so the farmer asks the bull "why did the cows fall over but you did not?..The bull replied because we bulls wobble but we dont fall down!

I'M HERE ALL WEEK FOLKS!!!!