Tell us a joke

[Aidan]

Man calls an ambulance :
-"Hello ?"
- "Hello, my wife is pregnant and her contractions have started."
-"Is this her first child ?"
-"No you idiot, I'm her husband !"

[David]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were found guilty of desertion by the Foreign Legion, the penalty for which was execution by firing squad.

"Now despite the crime you have committed" said the Commander "We've seen fit to grant each of you a last request"

He turned to the Irishman "What would be your last request?" he asked.

The Irishman replied "Please Sir, I should like to see Michael Flatley do Riverdance and Lord Of The Dance one final time."

"It shall be granted." replied the Commander. He then turned to the Scotsman, "Same question" he said "What would be your last request?"

The Scotsman replied "Please sir, I should like to hear 100 Scottish bagpipers play Flower Of Scotland one final time."

"It shall be granted." replied the Commander. He then turned to the Englishman, "Same question" he said "What would be your last request?"

The Englishman thought for a moment "Please sir...........shoot me first!"

[wingman]

Wayne Rooney is shopping in Harrods with Colleen when he spots a strange looking item in the houseware department
"What's that thing?" he asks the assistant
"That is a thermos flask sir" comes the reply
"What does that do then?" says our hero
"Well sir, you use it to keep hot things hot and cold things cold"
"Sounds clever" Wayne says "I could do with one of those for training" so he buys the biggest, most expensive flask in the shop. Next day Wayne proudly marches into training with his new flask and places it on the table in front of his team-mates
"What you got there Wayne" asks Gary Neville
"Thermos flask" Wayne says "it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
"Wow" says Neville "whats in it?"
"Cup of soup, some coffee and a choc ice"

[wingman]

This was sent to me by a police officer. The picture, which is not for
the weak of mind or the faint of heart, shows the fate of a suicide
jumper, just after his landing.

It shows his insides, now on the outside.

The reason I do believe this is a real picture is the look of the
innocent bystanders and the sheerhorror expression on their faces.
http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg

[Ecky Thump]

What do you call a woman that can balance a bottle of beer on her head, each hand, and hold a snooker cue between her knees?

Beer-Trix Potter

[David]

I've told you before, never make fun of a stupid dwarf. It's not big and it's not clever!

[koukou]

Lion, tiger and chicken taking...
Lion ' if I roar...people run away in fear...'
Tiger ' if I growl.. people quake...'
Chicken... 'thats nothing to what happens when I sneeze.....'

[wingman]

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill. The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.

The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he has Hepatitis B.

"But how can this be," he cries, "I'm only a paper bag".

"Well, er, have you had unprotected sex in the last year?", asks the doctor.

"No, how can I??'' he shouts, "I'm only a paper bag."

"How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that?"

"I've said to you before," the paper bag sobs, "How can I? I'm only a paper bag."

"Ahhhh," says the doctor shaking his head sadly, "As I suspected - your mother must have been a carrier."

[dondons69]

Wingman love the suicide picture LOL!

[wingman]

LOL, you looked!!!

[Aidan]

A man takes his seat at the Cup Final and finds a vacant seat next to him. He says to the man two seats away :
-"Excuse me, why is this seat vacant ?"
-" It was for my wife but sadly she passed away. We went to every Cup Final since we got married. This is my first one on my own."
-" Sorry to hear. Could you not have brought a friend or relative instead ?"
-"Well, they're all at the funeral."

[David]

You'll love this one Dons

In Staffordshire, the local bus company was having a problem with its timetables.

Travellers on the Hanley to Bagnall bus route were furious because the buses were not stopping to pick them up.

A bus company spokesman explained. “If the buses stopped the timetable would have been inaccurate”.

[harley121202]

A Duck walks into a bar...

Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no.
Duck: got any bread?
Barman: no!
Duck: got any bread?
Barman: I told you, NO I DONT HAVE ANY BREAD!
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: Listen, if you ask me again if I have any bread I am goin to nail your beak to the counter, got it?!
Duck: got any nails?
Barman: no.
Duck: Got any bread?

PMSL! I LOVe that one, kills me every time. Well, you know what they say about little things and little minds!

[scotia]

A hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour, the charge was recluse driving.

Groan!

[wingman]

Just received this from a friend (?) of mine

IMPORTANT NOTICE from The Department of Transport to all motorists :-

As from 1st June 2006, in order to assist with identification, all drivers
with poor ability and/or low IQ are required to display a warning for the
benefit of other motorists. The warning shall be a flag ( consisting of a red cross on a white background ) flown from the top of at least one door of their vehicle. Drivers of exceptionally low ability or IQ are required to
fly more than one flag.

Cheek!!