Tell us a joke

[SpiralCoolStuff]

Three monks decided to practise meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my the other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.
Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.
After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?

[wingman]

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the
Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's
important but it's only England. They're rubbish and we can't be bothered."
Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by
myself-you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the
Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the
game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer
goes up as the screen reads,
"Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by
himself!
Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers,
"It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext
on.

"Result from the Stadium,
'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in
the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't
be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only
scored at the very, very end!"


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"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."

[Aidan]

Why do elephants have big ears ?
'Cos Noddy won't pay the ransom.

[scotia]

Got this in an e-mail:

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in
the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped

her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the

man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to

the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. "Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still

curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[Wario]

Interviewer : Would you ever consider going down on one knee again?

Paul McCartney : Please call her Heather

Actually said so not technically a joke however very funny all the same

[David]

Arnie, Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis are sitting at a script meeting.

"I've got an idea for a new feeelm" says Stallone.

"Yeas, wot eez eeet?" pipes up Arnie.

"It's about old dead composers" says Stallone.

"Fantastic!" shouts Willis, "I can be Beethoven!"

"....And I can be Schubert!" says Stallone.

Arnie stands up.....puts on his shades and says ".......And I'll be Bach."

[Aidan]

How do you catch a unique rabbit ?
Unique up behind him.

[wingman]

Last month, a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"






The survey was a huge failure because...:

In Africa they didn't know what " food " means.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what " honest " means.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage " means.

In China they didn't know What " opinion " means.

In the Middle East they didn't know what " solution" means.

In South America they didn't know what " please " means.

In the USA they didn't know what " the rest of the world " means.

[David]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery.
As she lay her pet on the table .. the vet pulled out his Stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said .. I'm so
sorry .. your pet has passed away most likely bird flu.
The distressed owner wailed .. Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure .. the duck is dead he replied.

How can you be so sure she protested .. I mean .. you haven't done any
testing on him or anything .. he might just be in a coma or something.

The vet rolled his eyes .. turned around and left the room .. he
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever .. as the
duck's owner looked on in amazement .. the dog stood on his hind legs ..
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom .. he then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his
head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later
with a beautiful cat .. the cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
the bird from its beak to its tail and back again .. the cat sat back on
its haunches .. shook its head .. meowed softly jumped down and strolled
out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said .. I'm sorry but as I said before
this is most definitely 100% certifiably a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal .. hit a few keys and
produced a bill .. which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner .. still in shock .. took the bill .. $300 she cried ..
$300 just to tell me my duck is dead!!

The vet shrugged .. I'm sorry .. but if you'd taken my word for it the
first time the bill would have been $50 .. but with the Lab Report and
the Cat Scan .. it all adds up!!!!


Boom Boom !!

[Aidan]

Knock knock !
Who's there ?
Daniel.
Daniel who ?
If I keep knocking, Daniel have to let me in.

[Baz]

Two McVities digestive biscuits are walking down the road together and one says to the other 'hey man, where do you live?' The digestive replies saying, 'i'm not telling you, you'll come round and steal my washing!'

[Aidan]

Two McVities digestive biscuits are walking down the road together and one says to the other 'hey man, where do you live?' The digestive replies saying, 'i'm not telling you, you'll come round and steal my washing!'????

[Baz]

Shaun Connery's agent calls him one day and says 'Shaun i've found a great new lead role for you in a film about bee keeping'. Shaun replies 'hmm,shounds intereshting ... kinda challenging'. The agent says 'all you have to do is come round and meet the producer - how does tennish at my place sound?' Shaun replies 'Tennish! but I don't even have a racket!'...

[Aidan]

An Irishman is eating his lunch by the river when he shouts aloud :
-" Me mate's fallen in ! Me mate's fallen in !"
So a passer-by dives into the water, finds nobody, and tells Paddy to get the Police.
Soon, River Police, Fire Brigade, Ambulance crew arrive on the scene and spend an hour trawling the very depths of the river. They find nobody either.
Eventually , they give up the search. The Police chief says -
-"I'm terribly sorry Paddy, we couldn't find your mate."
Paddy replies:
-" Not to worry, it was only corned beef anyway".

[David]

Late news just in:

Mr William Scrubbs of London appeared in court this morning. He was arrested after dousing the local minister Mr Vic Carr with Domestos after a debate between the two men became heated.

He was sentenced to two years for a bleach of the priest.