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  • scotia
    replied
    Here are some top tips similar to those that were in the viz.....

    DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
    >tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
    >another song you like and hum that instead.
    >
    >CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
    >having a p*ss before the film starts.
    >
    >RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
    >actually speaking clearly in the first place.
    >
    >DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
    >identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
    >with your old bank statements.
    >
    >WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
    >red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
    >remove the stains.
    >
    >SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
    >tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
    >
    >MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
    >yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
    >
    >BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
    >sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of
    >their dogs on you.
    >
    >EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
    >CVs into the bin.
    >
    >MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
    >the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
    >your wife from having to do it.
    >
    >GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
    >by Royal Mail.
    >
    >BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
    >very small horse is approaching.
    >
    >BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
    >wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
    >
    >ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
    >
    >DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
    >and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
    >them on their way.
    >
    >PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
    >everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
    >morning, simply move it all back again.
    >
    >CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
    >valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
    >
    >DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
    >simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
    >
    >MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
    >Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
    >you are listening to the sea.
    >
    >SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
    >
    >SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
    >outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
    >occasionally glancing inside.
    >
    >BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
    >into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
    >After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
    >
    >ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
    >pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
    >
    >McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
    >in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
    >
    >And the absolute belter for last
    >
    >WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t
    >anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after
    >you've been banged.
    >

    Leave a comment:


  • Fifi62
    replied
    Classic!!! Any more of these?

    Leave a comment:


  • Aidan
    replied
    Any operator would have done the same - can't believe he was fired for it ( assuming it's true ...).

    Leave a comment:


  • dondons69
    replied
    fantastic - are there really silly people like that?!

    Leave a comment:


  • daubers
    started a topic call center

    call center



    Call Centre Conversations


    Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

    Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

    Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

    Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Samsung Electronics

    Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

    Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

    Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

    Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    RAC Motoring Services

    Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"

    Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):

    "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Directory Enquiries

    Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

    Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

    Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------









    Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

    Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

    Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

    "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

    Customer: "OK".

    Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

    Customer: "No".

    Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

    Customer: "No".

    Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

    Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

    Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it.

    If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. This guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

    Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

    Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

    Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

    Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

    Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

    Operator: "Went away?"

    Caller: "They disappeared."

    Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

    Caller: "Nothing."

    Operator: "Nothing??"

    Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

    Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

    Caller: "How do I tell?"

    Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

    Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

    Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

    Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

    Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

    Caller: "What's a monitor?"

    Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

    Caller: "I don't know."

    Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"







    Caller: "Yes, I think so."

    Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

    Caller: "Yes, it is."

    Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

    Caller: "No."

    Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

    Caller: "Okay, here it is."

    Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

    Caller: "I can't reach."

    Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

    Caller: "No."

    Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

    Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

    Operator: "Dark??"

    Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

    " Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

    Caller: "I can't."

    Operator: "No? Why not??"

    Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

    Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

    Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

    Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

    Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

    Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

    Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

    Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

    Operator: "Tell them you're too b***y stupid to own a computer
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