Here are some top tips similar to those that were in the viz.....
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
>tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
>another song you like and hum that instead.
>
>CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
>having a p*ss before the film starts.
>
>RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
>actually speaking clearly in the first place.
>
>DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
>identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along
>with your old bank statements.
>
>WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
>red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
>remove the stains.
>
>SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
>tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
>
>MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
>yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
>
>BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
>sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of
>their dogs on you.
>
>EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
>CVs into the bin.
>
>MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
>the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
>your wife from having to do it.
>
>GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
>by Royal Mail.
>
>BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
>very small horse is approaching.
>
>BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
>wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
>
>ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
>
>DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
>and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
>them on their way.
>
>PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
>everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
>morning, simply move it all back again.
>
>CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
>valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
>
>DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
>simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
>
>MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
>Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think
>you are listening to the sea.
>
>SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
>
>SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
>outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
>occasionally glancing inside.
>
>BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
>into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
>After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
>
>ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
>pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
>
>McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
>in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
>
>And the absolute belter for last
>
>WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t
>anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after
>you've been banged.
>
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Any operator would have done the same - can't believe he was fired for it ( assuming it's true ...).Leave a comment:
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call center
Call Centre Conversations
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
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Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
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Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it.
If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. This guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too b***y stupid to own a computer
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