Tell us a joke

[Aidan]

How do you make varnish vanish ?

Remove the "r".

[daubers]

two fish in a tank one looks at the other and says "can you drive this thing"

[Aidan]

Where do tadpoles change into frogs ?

The croakroom.

[daubers]

where do you get virgin wool from ?

ugly sheep

[Aidan]

A guy spends his life looking at magazines, tv progs, websites, etc. of Massey-Fergusons, Zetors, John Deeres, etc., goes to rallies & exhibitions of them all over the country. Then he gets a girlfriend, she soon gets tired of his obsession. She tells him that he doesn't snap out of it she'll dump him.
So he changes for her, he bins all his paraphenalia, stops going to rallies, stops watching them on tv, stops even talking about them. And his relationship gets better.
One night he takes his girlfriend to a pub. It's very smoky, everyone feels it. he inhales deeply & gets rid of all the smoke until the air is clear again.
She says ; " How did you do that? that's fantastic !"
He says :.....................



















.........." I'm an ex-tractor fan !"

[SpiralCoolStuff]

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet and what a big tuffet she had
So if you feel insecure just stand next to her and you wont feel quite so bad

[daubers]

little miss muffet sat on her tuffet knicker's all tattered and torn
it was'nt the spider that sat down beside her it was little boy blue with his horn

[Aidan]

Jack & Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack took Jill
Behind the hill
And now they have a daughter.

[daubers]

mary had a little lamb she tied it to a pylon
10,000 volt's went up it's bum and turned it's wool to nylon

[Aidan]

Why can't you get aspirins in the jungle ?

The parrots eat 'em all.

[daubers]

what would you get if a dwarf fortune teller escaped from prison?

a small medium at large

[dondons69]

There are two sisters, one is blonde and other is brunette and they inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.



In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.



Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."



The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my Sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our ute and drive out here so we can haul it home."



The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."



Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."



The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your ute and drive out here to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word "comfortable?"



The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. It's a big word. She'll read it very slowly ...com-for-da-bul"

[Aidan]

The poor oul' blondes....

A blonde is seated in 1st-class on a plane to New York but she's only got a 2nd-class ticket. When the hostess points this out to her and askes her to take a 2nd-class seat, the blonde shouts :
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going 1st-class to New York !"
The hostess calls a security man who tries to get the blonde to go to her 2nd-class seat but the blonde keeps shouting:
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going 1st-class to New York !"
Eventually they call the captain who comes over & whispers something into the blonde's ear. She says: " Oh, I'm so sorry", gets up & goes to her seat in 2nd-class.
The hostess & security guy ask the captain what he said to the blonde, he says ;
" I told her that 1st-class wasn't going to New York."

[scotia]

no bad puts me in mind of another 1 although it might have been said but here it is anyway.....

a plane halfway across the atlantic encounters problems when the engines fail....the plane is going down and everyone knows they are doomed....the air stewardess bursts into the cockpit and rips all her clothes off and says to the captain "make me feel like a woman 1 more time".....the captain stands up takes off his shirt throws it to her and says "here iron this"!!!

[Lothar-gr]

A folk in the big city loses his grandparent and inherits a farm in a village out of town.

but he has no idea about farming etc, and so when he goes to the village to ask the villagers what to do with the farm he hears a lot of different opinions

one villager tells him to plant potatos, another to plant tomatos etc. And finally one says to him "you will put chickens in your farm! Not only you will sell the chickens but they will do you also eggs etc". The poor guy after he hears all the opinions leaves confused

a month passes and he doesnt appear back to the village he is in his farm and nowhere in sight. The other villagers start to worry about him. Then, Suddenly one day he appears in the village! He is all dusty and dirty. All the villagers flock to him to ask what he has done with his farm. He says "what can i tell you guys, im no farmer as it seems". "why? why?" the others ask.
"ive put chickens in my farm" he sais
"and where is the problem with that?" the others ask him

"i dont know. Maybe i thrown too much water to them or i planted them much too deep"