Tell us a joke

[dean80's]

a guy goes to the doctors and tells him that he has a golf ball stuck up his bum. The doctor asks the man if he could have a look, so the man pulls down his trousers and pants and then bends over.
The doctor then looks up his bum and replies, "hmmm, thats up a fairway"

[scotia]

2 cannibals sitting eating a clown

1 says to the other...."this tastes funny"

[childofthe80's]

(2) so no one will feel left out

Q. Why was the brunette so proud of her hair color?
A. Because it matched her mustache

Q. What is the differance between the Loch Ness Monster and an intelligent blonde?
A. There have actually been reported sightings of the Loch Ness Monster

[Aidan]

A frog goes into a bank. He's seen to by a clerk named Ms. Patricia Whack & she asks how can she help.
"I want to borrow money " says the frog.
-" Certainly. Name please, sir ?"
- " Kermit Jagger".
-"And you'd like to borrow how much, sir ?"
-" £25000".
- "That's rather a lot, sir, we'd need collateral before we'd grant that amount. What can you offer in that regard ?"
The frog then takes out a keyfob with a tiny pink elephant on it & says : "This."
"I'm afraid I can't accept that as collateral, sir", says the bank clerk, "it would have to be something more substantial, like a house or a car ".
-"Well your manager is a longtime friend of our family."
- "I'll speak to him but I can't guarantee that your request will be granted ."
So the bank clerk enters the manager's office, tells him about the unusual customer, shows him the key fob & asks him what it is, to which the manager replies :


"It's A Knick-knack, Patty Whack, Give the frog a Loan,
His old Man's a Rolling Stone !"

[scotia]

what did the cannibal do after he dumped his bird?

wiped his a*se!!

[dondons69]

lol!!!! love aidans duck one too

[dean80's]

this duck is stopping overnight in a hotel, and hes managed to pull a "lady" duck so he whisks her upstairs to his room and she is in the bathroom "getting ready". Anyway, the duck is thinking and he realises he has no condoms, so he phones up room service and tells the lady on the phone about his situation and that he would need a condom. She replies "certainly sir - we can bring one straight up to you."
The duck thanks the lady for this, to which the lady asks "...and would you like me to put it on your bill"

the duck replies " Lady...do i sound like some kind of pervert???"

[SpiralCoolStuff]

Couldnt think of a joke so heres a limerick....

There was a young girl from twickenam
whos shoes were too tight to walk quick in em
she bore them a while
till she got to a stile
then took them both off and was sick in em

Thankyew

[xmark1234]

these two geese are flying about 1000 feet above the m1, one name harry the other fred
harry slowed down , so fred asked what was wrong
harry said " whats that noise ?"
fred said " what noise? "
then suddenly a jumbo jet came out off no where straight over there heads *wwwoooooshhhhhhhhhhhhhh*
harry said to fred " gosh i wish i could fly that fast "
fred said " you would if you had 4 bums on fire "

[Aidan]

A duck goes into a bar & orders a pint.
"Good Lord !" says the barmaid, "a-a talking duck !"
"Oh, you'll see plenty more of me" says the duck, "I'm working on the building site across the road so I'll call in for a pint every day after work."
Next day the circus comes to town & the circusmaster calls in to the pub at lunchtime.
The barmaid tells him about the talking duck, eventually she manages to convince him that it's for real & would the circus be interested.
"Yes, of course" he says.
"Fine, the duck will be here later on, I'll tell him" says the barmaid.
The duck arrives at knocking-off time & she says to him :
"I've got the very job for you "
-"What is it ?"
-"The circus."
-"That's a big tent, isn't it ?"
-"Yeah ?"
-"Made of canvas ?"
-"Yeah ?"
-"And held up with timber posts ?"
-"Yeah ? So??"
-"So why would they need a plasterer ?"

[dean80's]

OH MY GOD!...

2 nuns driving through the night, when a vampire jumps on their car.
"quick" says the 1st nun "show him your cross"
to which the 2nd nun leant out her window and shouted "GET OF MY F*****G CAR YOU B*****D!

[scotia]

A guy walks into a bar and says "Can I have a pint of Less?"
"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not heard of that one before. Is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

.....groan

[dean80's]

a piece of string walks into the bar and asks for a pint.
The barman goes "are you a piece of string?" to which the string replies "yes".
The barman gives him his pint and the string pays and goes and sits down.
Another piece of string walks into the bar and asks for a drink, the barman asks the string the same question, to which the string replies "yes" and takes his drink and sits with the other string.
ANOTHER peice of string walks up to the bar and the barman says "Dont tell me... your a piece of string?"
To which he replied "no im a frayed knot"

[scotia]

a bear walks into a pub and says to the barman " i'll have a pint of................ lager"
the barman asks "whats with the big pause?"
the bear replies " i dunno iv always had em"

[dean80's]

this guy walks into a bar....

*OUCH*
it was an iron bar.