Tell us a joke

[childofthe80's]

Why don't oysters give to charity??



Because they're shellfish

[dean80's]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the Chemists at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten pounds... a hell of a lot quicker than waiting for a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the chemists. He inserts ten pounds in coins, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to the chemists, eager to check the results. He deposits ten pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into a clinic.
4. Your wife is pregnant... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a good lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

[SpiralCoolStuff]

*rolls around laughing*

[Aidan]

What would you call Postman Pat if he lost his job ?

Pat.

[SpiralCoolStuff]

How many ears does Mr Spock have?

3...a left ear, a right ear and a final frontier

[scotia]

what do u call a dinosaur with one eye

a doyouthinkhesawus (saurus)

[SpiralCoolStuff]

Knock knock

whos there?

little old lady

little old lady who?

wow, i didnt know you could yoddle

[Aidan]

Knock knock !
Who's there ?
Irish Stew.
Irish Stew who ?
Irish Stew in the Name of the Law.

[SpiralCoolStuff]

Knock knock
Whos there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad i didnt say banana?

[Aidan]

What does the buffalo say to his little boy when he drops him off at school every day ?

Bison.

[daubers]

three australians ,bruce,stevie and bluey working on a high rise building stevie falls of and die's so bruce say's to bluey"you better go and tell stevie's wife what happend"so of goes bluey and comes back with a crate of beer.
bruce looks at bluey and ask's "where'd the beer come from mate"bluey replies from stevie's wive"bruce say'"stevie's wife gave you a crate beer for telling her that her husband is dead" "thats rhight mate"replied bluey"bruce still taken back asks you did tell what happend did'nt you"to witch bluey replies"not exactly when stevei's wife answerd the door i said you must be stevie,s widow she said no i'm not stevie,s widow so said bet you a crate of beer you are.

[Aidan]

Guy arrives home from work, brushes past his wife, plonks himself on the sofa, turns on the tv & shouts at his wife : "Gimme a beer before it starts !"
She thinks : maybe he's had a hard day, best just humour him, so she gets him a beer. He drinks it & then says :
"Gimme another beer before it starts !"
She thinks : I'll get him a beer just this once but if he thinks he can keep treating me like this, well... and gets him another beer.
He drinks it & then says :
"Gimme another beer before it starts !"
She shouts : " I've been working bloody hard too here, you know, don't you dare treat me like a skivvy, if you do, I'm off to mother !"
He says : " shoot... it's started !"

[daubers]

did you hear about the crab who went to a party.
he pulled a muscle

[Aidan]

Where will you find a policeman's stomach ?

Under a vest.

[daubers]

what do you a lesbian dinosaur.

lickalotopus